Girlfriend 101 (How to successfully unlock girlfriend achievement)

HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND (from someone who is constantly seeing people doing it wrong):

1.) Be concerned of appearances (but only if your appearance bothers you)

1a.)Shampoo is your friend!

Women do not like it if you smell funny, forgo shampoo, or refuse to do basic body grooming. If perhaps you are the sort who likes their hair longer, be prepared to treat your hair as if you were an actual female. You walk a deadly path if you’re a male who thinks shampooing once a week with shoulder length hair is acceptable. You only end up looking like a greasy drug dealer. Long hair is a responsibility, not a privilege.

As to how you smell when you open your mouth to talk? Toothpaste. Brush two times a day. For two minutes. Its 4 minutes out of your day. God.

1b.) Perhaps a cologne?

You can be the smelliest fool on the planet, but as long as you bathe regularly and spritz a nice cologne on once and a while, no one will notice. But remember: Cologne is not instant-girl attraction spray. We are not deer in the woods sniffing for the perfect scent. We just like to be able to smell something pleasant when close to you. Dial soap smells way better than Body odor, FYI.

Also no: 9 times out of 10, a girl HATES the smell of Axe. Wear Axe body spray if you want me to feel like a pedophile. It is the odor of preteen boys and highschoolers. Spend a little extra dosh and buy a nice cologne.

1c.) If you are an unshapely mess of a man, consider exercise.

I’m not saying ladies will shun you if you have a tummy. Some chicks actually don’t care what shape you are! But if you feel low in the self esteem department because of your pudge, be serious about your health and hit the gym. Women don’t care if you’re fat usually, but they will care if the person they’re interested in is harping on how much they hate themselves for being fat. Confidence is important to finding girls! If you’re not confident on how YOU look, how do you think a woman will perceive you? Ever see a fat pudgey guy get a woman? Want to know why? Because he’s -confident- in his shape.

Either be confident, or exercise. You will fail otherwise.

2.) Confidence, positivity, courteousness

These go a long way. Want to know why? because there are too many idiots in the world.

2a) Confidence

Its easy to be confident for most, but if you already have a low self esteem of yourself, chicks will notice. Every conversation with you shouldn’t always be a complaint about yourself or your life. If you’re complaining and not doing anything about it, you’re only making yourself out to be a whiner without gumption. Chicks love gumption. A man willing to change what bothers him about himself is a man of self responsibility. If you’re writhing in your own self pity, you suck in our eyes. Why would I talk to you when I can just hear that kind of whining from a child?

Don’t know where to start on your own self esteem? Make a list dammit! “My weight bothers me..I hate my job…I need a car” Work on one thing that bothers you at a time. Figure out how to tackle each issue. CHANGE yourself! You’ll feel better about yourself, you’ll drip confidence, and girls can sniff that out from a mile away WAY better than they can smell that disgusting Axe cologne.

This new found confidence in yourself will only breed more….

2b) Positivity.

The world is a crappy place. Everyone knows it. A lady doesn’t want to be reminded of that every conversation. Its fine to talk about world problems if thats the thing we talk about, but don’t always be so doom and gloom. Being positive about yourself AND the world around you is important, because no one wants to be in a relationship where only negativity is drudged up. Be positive not only about yourself, but find positivity in the world too. It does exist, you know!

2c) Politeness.

It is so easy for a guy to be confident, but try and find a guy who is also courteous and polite, and you’re going on a treasure hunt. Is it so hard sometimes to open a door for the person you care about? To hold their hand, to walk next to them, to listen? This makes a girl feel special, which is what you should be trying to do if you’re trying to get with someone! Its not about equal rights, chauvinism, ‘the frail and fragile female’. We want to feel special, and so many times the world kicks a person around. If a lady finds a guy that makes them feel special-er than most, it may be enough to be interested in you.

And honestly, if holding our hand once in a while is too much work to you, maybe you shouldn’t be looking for a woman.

3.) If you blame the world around you for your problems you might as well not even bother.

Don’t blame the world for your problems, or give excuses to how you behave because the world made you that way. No. YOU are the master of your destiny, and if you mess up it is YOUR fault. The world isn’t against you, trying to drag you down. And if you mess up, you are not completely innocent. Take responsibility for your own actions. Life isn’t about luck. Luck may come into play at points in your life, but praying to luck and relying upon it is pathetic. A man of action is a man that looks attractive! I don’t want to date a little girl who cries and whines and blames everyone but herself.

Think about how your actions effect others also. Look at the world as a whole and how you play a role in it. If you are not satisfied about your sitautaion: change it. For some thats easier than others, but if you fail to at least try to change yourself you cannot then blame the world around you for your innability to change. You’re the one who put yourself into that ditch, and you are the one who has to dig themselves out of it.

We all have heard the stories of those in horrible situations rising above their environment and making their life better. Theres no denying that such a thing isn’t possible, then. Theres no excuse to continue on in a way that makes you miserable. Also remember: Someone out there has it worse than you, and they may literally not have the chance or resources to change their situation. If you have the capacity to change your ways, do so. Don’t just lie there expecting for the world to change you.

4.) Trouble finding girls? Find a hobby!

Girls at your workplace look like horses? Women at your school too out of touch with your own interests? Find a hobby! And no, ‘TV’ isn’t a hobby. Neither is ‘drinking’. Drunken flirting is not flirting. I can’t hear your mildly amusing quips over all this bass-filled dance music.

If you like books, join a reading group. If you want to be more active, go to the gym or find a sport you can get into. If you like video games or even anime, you can go to a convention and find fellow weeaboos. The important thing is to GET OUT with your hobby and find like minded people you can converse about your favorite subject with. You won’t find a girlfriend sitting at home behind the safety of your monitor. Theres a whole world out there for you to see if you just unglued your arse from your chair. This comes back again to self responsibility: change your own destiny. don’t wait for life to change it for you.

HOW NOT TO GET A GIRLFRIEND (signs you may be doing it wrong):

1.)This girlfriend costs $654.00!:

Relationships are not business transactions, and if you’re in that type of relationship where you feel the need to spend endless amounts of money to please a woman you best run for the hills. Do not ever expect to get anything in return if you decide to spend money on someone you might be interested in. We are not hookers. I am not going to love you if we are just friends and you begin buying me expensive things. Infact if I am a smart person I may take advantage of that and use you! Do you want that kind of a relationship in your life? No? Then stop spending money on me dammit!

Too often than not I hear the story of the guy who spent X amount of money to please a girl, and then that guy getting upset that nothing ever came of it. Let me ask you this, men: If I give you 75.00 dollars out of nowhere without any prompts, will you find a way to pay it back, or will you take the money with a quick thank you? If you’re intelligent, you will just take that money. Women are the same way. Anyone in this world would love free things. But, see…they’re free. That means we don’t have to do anything in return. You’re basically just randomly giving gifts. Who in their right mind denies gifts? Not me.

Not to say once you’re in a relationship you can’t spend money. That goes back to that ‘courteous’ thing I was talking about. At that stage, when you’re dating, a girl wants to feel special and appreciates if you pay for dinner once in a while. But don’t start flinging money at us right at the start of things. It only makes you look pathetic.

And that goes back to ‘self confidence’, doesn’t it? If you’re throwing money around you only look desperate. Desperate only reads as ‘creeper’ to a woman. It shows you have no self confidence in yourself. And you know what? It can also offend a woman, and make them feel like this is how you think its supposed to be. Like next thing I know you’ll be expecting me barefoot and pregnant.

No. Just No.

And you know what? Sometimes I might want to pay for things. We do make money too, you know.

2.) “Women are manipulative, vile creatures….tfw no gf ;_;”

If you’re on the internet proclaiming your undying hatred of the disgusting female sex, and find that in real life you can’t catch a break, chances are you’re putting yourself in that position with your twisted opinion. While most people will not read your highschool tier rants and raving, you’re affecting yourself internally when you carry that kind of opinion around with you. Its all about psychology! Think a certain way and you begin to act like its the truth. Hang around with people long enough who have that opinion, and you begin to think thats the only right opinion. Remove yourself from a situation where you begin to see a woman as a monster. Find your own opinion of the opposite sex. And talk to us. We like that.

We aren’t going to throw ourselves at you because you’re there and you’re a guy. If you feel deep down inside that we’re all awful creatures that use and abuse men, you’re going to exude that like a fine cologne.

Women are not animals. We’re just..people. people like you with the same amount of stress and problems and worries. Get off your soap box and accept that. Also, be warned: theres just as many bitchy women out there as there are nice women. But we aren’t all money grubbing users who think you buying us expensive things is romance. Generalizing an entire gender based on a few bad eggs will not get you in a relationship. If thats the case I can easily say all men are sexual predators and join a Nunnery.

Talk to females. You may learn a thing or two about them.

Speaking of which…

3.) I talked to you and you smiled at me THAT MAKES US BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND RITE?

Avoid this one word: Desperation.

If we hit it off with some good conversation, and start talking on the regular, it isn’t an automatic sign that I am interested in you. It may just be that….ohmygod…I might consider you as a friend!

“OMFG FRIENDZONED” you may say. I say ‘shut up the friendzone doesn’t exist and is a ploy for desperate men to continue their pathetic exploits into finding a woman in the most pathetic ways possible’. I want to get to know the man I may end up dating, alright? There should be a reasonable time between “Hi how are you?” and “Yo lets date” where I get to know you as a person. I don’t see a guy and automatically think “Potential boyfriend?”. I want to find out if you’re a stalker or not before thinking of you in a romantic way.

If I start talking to you regularly, it doesn’t mean I want to date you. Stop sending me flowers in the mail. Don’t randomly ask me to places and consider it an automatic “date”. You’re falling into stalker territory, buddy. And stalkers only get jail time, not women.

And you want to know what else? Sometimes we just are not attracted to you. There isn’t a spark there, or we really and truly just want to have you as a friend. It doesn’t mean ZOMGFRIENDZONED. It means you just aren’t attractive to me. Every female is different and different things will attract different people. Somewhere out there is a woman for you. I’m not it. So stop trying to force something that just isn’t there.

And if you feel yourself in a friendship with a female you are attracted to, don’t give up and shun that girl that day forward as someone not to associate with. The best thing about a friendship is they can grow or evolve the more you get to know someone. You’re friends now but who knows? Maybe I get to know you enough where I see you in another light. Not all romance is instant after all. Maybe I just need time.

But that also isn’t an excuse to continually force the issue if you do remain friends with a girl. If you’re constantly saying “GAWRSH your loverly I wish I could ttly date you..but yay friends”, thats just desperate, guy. *I* make the decision of who I like, not you. Reminding me you may have feelings for me won’t flip a switch in my brain that says “date him!”. It just makes you look desperate and, again, creepy. And I don’t hear many stories where a girl starts dating their stalker.

Just be confident, be yourself, and the rest should follow. Also don’t smell. Its not that difficult.

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